Running A Gauntlet

Have you ever been in a life where you try everything you can to go forward, and wall after wall of not “funness” hits you?  I believe that’s the best description I could briefly explain to someone what I’m going through.  Since the beginning of February, I have been a long-term substitute Health and PE teacher at a local middle school.  I’ve been dropped into a rough school as a brand new teacher basically, and “trying” to teach.  What's frustrating is that Health and PE is my area of certification, and the result of being here makes me question myself.  Nothing seems to work out how I hope for, and some days are miserable.  Some of you reading may be able to relate something in your life or currently having just a tough time.  That’s why I haven’t really blogged in a while.  I’ve had so much on my mind, and the grinding routine of working has left me unsure of what to even write about.

Emotionally wise?  I’m frustrated with where I’m at in life.  I’ve been applying to over 100 jobs for more than a year, and nothing.  I hunger for adventure and to explore.  My spirit craves to see the world.  I’m still at home in an area where it’s apparently extremely difficult to meet, connect with, and live life with others about my age who are Kingdom Minded.  Without sharing too much, I work in a school and community where the level of disrespect and impoverished mindset is very high.  Half of my students show an apathetic attitude everyday, and act as if I don’t even exist.

To be brutally honest, out of all 3 levels in our education system I don’t enjoy working with middle schoolers the most.  The raging hormones, the attitudes (especially apathy), the intentional immaturity, and etc make me go crazy from just thinking about it all.  I know many others who really do enjoy this age group, and I tip my hat to them.  I’m learning everything the hard way.  For example: How to implement all the ways of teaching my professors instructed me is extremely difficult with my classes due to the amount of structure I bring.  I’d pay money to watch them teach my classes.

Yes I’m venting, and you know what?  Everybody needs to from time to time.  I’m human.  Get it out, and get over it right?  In the midst of all this…mess and circumstances I’m dealing with, I try so hard to keep a positive attitude.  Every night, for some crazy reason, my mind is flooded with hope and desire for the students to become activated in their hearts, acknowledge what they’re saying mostly is death to others, that they’re better than what they think about themselves, that they’re absolutely brilliant and are wanted, and so much more.  I find myself having a tough time of how to exactly transfer what I’m receiving and hoping for them in tangible ways to the students themselves.  I smile and speak as respectfully and politely as I can to all the students for each class.  I truly hope the best for each of them.

I don’t like making excuses, and I do try the best I can with what I’m given.  I do have some really great students and classes still through the fog who want to participate and try.  I’ve come a long way since 4 months, and I have no clue where I’ll be this summer or fall honestly.  Thankfully, the other teachers and administration have been incredibly helpful and encouraging.  Thankful for each new day.  Thankful for the ones who I’m able to teach and enjoy life with while at school. 

Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Sunset in Andalucia, Spain. Images like this help rest my mind. Photo credit: Grant Timothy McGuire